The Pilot crashed the plane.....

Mood: Bouncy and Carefree

Listening to: Loreena McKennitt (My Favorite Celtic Singer)

So I now many of you, my friends are wondering what the HELL happened to you and Brian. I have sat here for days debating whether or not I was actually going to blog about it. On the one hand, he knew full well that I blogged and he could be the subject of one, I even gave him access. As well, it’s my blog, not meant to hurt anyone; these are just my thoughts and opinions; my therapy so to speak. Yet, I made the decision to just tell you all this:

Brian is a really great guy. If there is one person in the whole world I wish no ill on it would be him. Brian and I, although we clicked in so many ways, there was one way we did not click and that was in a way to keep a relationship going. We each had our own ideas of what a relationship was and what it meant and believe me, they were polar opposites! I tried hard to get him to compromise but he wouldn’t budge from his thinking. So, I could not do anymore. I think it was more that Brian wasn’t ready for anything other than a friend with benefits type relationship and you know, that only goes so far with me. For me, there has to be some emotional piece to it and with Brian, there was none it was flat. I am in NO way saying I want marriage; kill me first, but I am looking for a little bit of caring about me and what is going on in my world, not self-absorption in themselves and I am just called upon when he wants me. One day Brian will open up and he will meet a great gal and I wish him the best with that! For me, I had to move on. I knew this was coming down the pike back in the beginning of October but it was still hard to hear the final goodbye. I am able to move on quickly only because I was prepping for this over these last 8 weeks.

All in all what came out of this is I have a good friend, Brian and in his own words about us being friends from here on out -“Definitely”.

Happiness and The Foggy Duo :)

Mood: Deviant

Listening to: My cat’s purr

Action Item and NOTE to self: Be sure to do another shot with Buckley  :)

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Anna Nalick “Breathe”

You know, life is what you make of it; I always say that but it’s so true. At 38, soon to be 39 (haha) I am just starting to really live my life; I am finally finding things I like to do and am doing them. I am happy :)

I have found that in life you need to find something that makes you happy and just do it; I have chosen to follow a small group called The Foggy Duo; I am truly happy when in their presence listening to their music. These guys really are great, and not just musically. When people make you feel like family every time you see them, you know you’re in good company. I first met Sean and Joe while dating Brian. He loved these guys and kept telling me we were going to see them sometime. Me, never really having been at bars but having seen many musical groups over the course of my 38 years, I couldn’t wait to see them! I will NEVER forget the first time I met them. Sean came over, to say hi, Brian introduced me. In the back of my mind, I was taken aback by how gracious and friendly he was. Not to mention he was charming, but that’s a story I will never tell :) Then I got to meet Joe and the rest of the band Beyond the Pale. Again, the graciousness of these guys was out of this world. They cared about the people who were coming to see them and showed appreciation for that.  By the time they started playing, I was in awe! I had never really gotten up to dance in front of people before and here I was, dancing and no, I was not buzzed from beer :)

 

After that night, they were all I could think of and talk about. I wanted to see them again. Brian went to see them and did not take me (that’s another story) and I made it known that I wanted to see these guys again. Eventually, we did go to see them. At Murphy’s in Manchester, I had to drag Brian there but I got there. They were fantastic! I truly enjoyed them. 

One thing I should note, I am a NERD. So, when I listen to music, I am listening to the chords, the person’s voice who is singing, I am listening to each instrument individually and feeling the music and how it meshes with the rest of the band, I want to hear everything from the smallest intricacies to the band as a whole. As well, I do analyze the lyrics..LOL

So anyway, right after Halloween and going to see the band at Murphy’s, I had come to some realizations about what was happening with Brian (next blog) and decided to just go out and have fun. Date a few guys, nothing serious. Pity Party so to speak, I was feeling down. So, I decided to go see the Duo, which are just Sean and Joe. Let me tell you, I have never in my life heard a group as good as them! For two guys, the music and the sound, it is truly amazing.  You would sometimes think that there is a whole band behind them! Their voices harmonize so well, their guitar playing; impeccable! I was truly in awe of these guys and after one night I was hooked! Not to mention, again, their sheer appreciation for people who come to see them! They made me happy. I have gone to see them just about every time they have played since.

So, to this, I raise my glass in a toast, to a couple of really great guys who are exceptionally talented in many ways. To new friends, and good times; I URGE you all that live in New Hampshire and Massachusetts area to see them if you get the chance. I will definitely be there :)

Website: www.thefoggyduo.com 

Love to you all!

Jenn

First Date Sex

Ok, so I am having all these thoughts today. One being about having sex on the first date. My feelings on this are:

First Date Sex...no.....no......no....no....No....No...NO...NO..NO,NO, NO, NO, NO AND NO!

And this includes full fledge making out! NO,NO,NO,NO,NO!

And any guy that can't get that through their friggin head is not worth it ladies! A guy who is worth it will wait and want to get to know you first.

Music and Thoughts

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

The above are lyrics to a song "Closer I am to fine" by the INDIGO GIRLS (THANKS KELLY!). This particular song is one that is very important to me and really seems to define me. I mean, listen to the lyrics; it's me in a nut shell. I am always over analyzing situations and looking for a definitive meaning in things, yet the less I seek that definitive, the closer I really am to being fine. Brian seems to be showing me in many ways, unbeknown to him, that consistently analyzing life doesn't really give me the answers I am looking for. Honestly, this song was a favorite of mine, way before Brian, but since Brian, it has renewed meaning for me.

I am one, who uses music in many ways. Each song that becomes a favorite, has a special meaning to me; the lyrics and the tune. Each time I listen to the song, sing along and dance to it, my mind takes in the real meaning of it and it helps ground me. Each song that I dedicate to someone, has a special meaning and that song will always belong to that particular person; forever. It's weird, I find music so defining and so comforting.

Well, she was an American girl
Raised on promises
She couldn't help thinkin' that
There was a little more to life
Somewhere else

After all it was a great big world
With lots of places to run to
Yeah, and if she had to die
Ttryin'
She had one little promise
She was gonna keep

O yeah, all right
Take it easy, baby
Make it last all night
She was an American girl

Well, it was kind of cold that night
She stood alone on her balcony
Yeah, she could hear the cars roll by
Out on 441
Like waves crashin' on the beach

And for one desperate moment there
He crept back in her memory
God it's so painful
With something that's so close
Is still so far out of reach

O yeah, all right
Take it easy, baby
Make it last all night
She was an American girl

Aahhh, Tom Petty, "American Girl". Yep, thats me alright. Raised on promises, looking for more out of life in places I have never been to. Sitting alone, many times, just watching and waiting. Then desperation, I am alone, the desperate wanting of that perfect person, to be with them, painful to deal with knowing where they are but I cannot be with them; so close but still out of reach. Sigh.


It's funny; dating that is. In the past, almost year, that I have been dating, no one comes close to Brian. NO ONE. I mean, yeah, I had fun with the younger boys and to this day, sometimes I see a younger guy and think about how fun it would be again but it's not what I want. One nighters are not my thing, neither is a "just for fun" type relationship. I want what I have never had and for whatever reason, in many ways, it's there with Brian. He is fun; he likes sports like I do, likes to go out and enjoy a beer or two. He makes me laugh all the time; and even just the thought of him and I am grinning ear to ear. When I am with him, everything that seemed like a huge worry or problem becomes insignificant; he calms me and makes me feel like I am the world when I am in his presence. His hug, kiss, caress; all of it seems to be 500 times more intensified than anything I have ever experienced and most importantly he appreciates what I do for him.

This song is dedicated to Brian :)

You Make me Smile By Uncle Kracker


You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler than the flip side
Of my pillow, that's right

Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where
You send me, lets me know that it's okay
Yeah, it's okay
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone,
Somehow you come along just like
A flower pokin' through the sidewalk crack
And just like that
You steal away the rain, and just like that

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
'Cause every time that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh, you make me smile
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh, you make me smile

Soul Mates...

As I go about my day, little things bring him to mind; each time with an overwhelming smile. How could this be? The feeling is one that I have never felt before, for anyone. The intense feeling that you know this person, that their soul is connected to yours is one of overwhelming proportions. Is this what they call love at first site? No, no, I think not. It’s connectedness with the soul, something much deeper that cannot easily be explained. I believe they call this meeting your “soul mate”. Many people go through life not meeting their soul mate; they live and die without ever feeling the magnetic force that arises through soul mates. Yet, a very special few, do meet. The bond is instant, the knowing old and deep, as if we have known each other in past lives.

Rambling on....

As I drove down the snow covered highway, my mind raced and wondered what the meeting would be like. I mean, the conversation was great while messaging on the computer but sometimes people hide behind their words or the words and actions don't match. Such was the case with the last guy I met, and I am very glad that is over! Sometimes people need to do crazy things and make mistakes in order to move themselves towards the correct path; you know, the one where it's all cupcakes and roses.

Introduction to my book...To Be a Teacher....

You know, all my life I wanted to be a teacher. From as far back as I can remember that’s all I ever wanted to be. I am not sure the how and why but teaching has always been in my soul; embedded deep into my very existence. 
 

My path was not an easy one by any means, which, when you think about it, makes it all the more satisfying now. I have always wondered if our souls remember the best we used to be in another life or if it is that we have some lesson, unfinished, to complete. Could this really be or is it just chance that brings us where we are? My personal belief is that we are born with a path for our lives, a path that comes with choices for us to make. Each choice can take us closer to our destiny or smash us into a brick wall. When we finally reach our destiny our souls are content and slowly drift away into the blackness of the sky; when we don’t our souls continue to be reborn again and again until whatever that destiny is, we finally reach it.

It is kind of the same reason why many people come and go in our lives. All part of the plan to help you reach your destiny; some are meant to stay for a long time and others for just quick moments that if we look hard enough we can understand the reason why they appeared. As I write this, I can think of many who helped me along my way within those quick moments. My hope is to be able to bring to life, my true story and how I ended up here; reliving each moment again for one last time passing along learned wisdom as I go. You know somewhere I heard that writing is like chicken soup for the soul; here is my chicken soup.