As I go about my day, little things bring him to mind; each time with an overwhelming smile. How could this be? The feeling is one that I have never felt before, for anyone. The intense feeling that you know this person, that their soul is connected to yours is one of overwhelming proportions. Is this what they call love at first site? No, no, I think not. It’s connectedness with the soul, something much deeper that cannot easily be explained. I believe they call this meeting your “soul mate”. Many people go through life not meeting their soul mate; they live and die without ever feeling the magnetic force that arises through soul mates. Yet, a very special few, do meet. The bond is instant, the knowing old and deep, as if we have known each other in past lives.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Rambling on....
As I drove down the snow covered highway, my mind raced and wondered what the meeting would be like. I mean, the conversation was great while messaging on the computer but sometimes people hide behind their words or the words and actions don't match. Such was the case with the last guy I met, and I am very glad that is over! Sometimes people need to do crazy things and make mistakes in order to move themselves towards the correct path; you know, the one where it's all cupcakes and roses.
Introduction to my book...To Be a Teacher....
You know, all my life I wanted to be a teacher. From as far back as I can remember that’s all I ever wanted to be. I am not sure the how and why but teaching has always been in my soul; embedded deep into my very existence.
My path was not an easy one by any means, which, when you think about it, makes it all the more satisfying now. I have always wondered if our souls remember the best we used to be in another life or if it is that we have some lesson, unfinished, to complete. Could this really be or is it just chance that brings us where we are? My personal belief is that we are born with a path for our lives, a path that comes with choices for us to make. Each choice can take us closer to our destiny or smash us into a brick wall. When we finally reach our destiny our souls are content and slowly drift away into the blackness of the sky; when we don’t our souls continue to be reborn again and again until whatever that destiny is, we finally reach it.
It is kind of the same reason why many people come and go in our lives. All part of the plan to help you reach your destiny; some are meant to stay for a long time and others for just quick moments that if we look hard enough we can understand the reason why they appeared. As I write this, I can think of many who helped me along my way within those quick moments. My hope is to be able to bring to life, my true story and how I ended up here; reliving each moment again for one last time passing along learned wisdom as I go. You know somewhere I heard that writing is like chicken soup for the soul; here is my chicken soup.
More Rambles of my Writing.....
Nervously, I gestured to him; follow me. Then slowly, I walked towards the bedroom looking back with a smile to see if he was following. I knew I was taking a risk but what a risk to take; it would be worth it no matter what. Looking back, he slowly stood up from his chair, seemingly unsure. Our eyes met our smiles too; I began to tremble.
“Keep it together,” I told myself.
Turning slowly again, I moved closer to the bedroom; knowing he was following this time. With deliberate footsteps, I walked through the bedroom door, watched as he ambled in, and then quietly closed the door behind us. Our eyes met yet again, with a knowing like never before; we were connected.
“You can sit on the bed, if you like,” I motioned to the other side of the room with an outstretched hand.
Swiftly, at that exact moment, his hand was in mine and he pulled me towards him. Feeling dizzy with pleasure, I fell into him our chests coming together and I could feel the beat of his heart. As, I turned my head to behold his face soft hands touch my necked and his lips met mine. The real world began to slip away, a feeling of light headedness came over me, yet I also felt alive; alive in a way I have never known. My body began to shiver with pleasure and that sweet tickle in my belly was intensified. This is what I have been looking for.
Beginning of a Story............
A shiver ran threw me as the alarm clock sounded; it would be a chilly day. The morning wakeup show was announcing the days school closings. I listened carefully so as to not miss my districts name should it be called. Over the sound of the DJs voice, I could hear the loud clink of the rain as it smacked against the metal roof. No such luck, my district had school today.
“Cold, rainy day,” I thought.
Not wanting to get out of bed, but knowing I had no choice, I rolled over and slide out of the warm quilt placing my bare feet on the soft but cool rug; again, a shiver. Thoughts of a nice hot shower and a good cup of coffee swelled up in my mind. I could just smell the luxurious aroma of the coffee beans that would wake me each morning and feel the sting of the hot water on my back that helped warmed my soul in the morning. Rising from the bed, I moved swiftly to the bedroom door and put on my terrycloth bathrobe, walked even more swiftly down the short and narrow hallway towards the kitchen. Stepping over the two sleeping cats; both unrecognizing the fact that they were snuggled together; I strode into the kitchen and grabbed my favorite coffee mug. My day had just begun.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Social Experiment 101 Cont....
.....So there we were. At my house playing Guitar Hero. Of course, I beat his ass :) And what fun it was!! Laughter is always the best medicine, and that night was full of it. After a while, the horror flix was in order so on to NetFlix to find something interesting. We did of course find something and by the time it was over, Pete asked to crash at my place. So I let him. Let's just say it was interesting but quickly cured me of allowing any guy to "crash" at my house.
So to make a long story short, that night was the end of our friendship. Pete proceeded to ignore me afterward and until the end of the school year. Sad, not really sure what happened but they say people come into your life for a reason and they don't always stay in your life. I will say that 2 weeks later, I texted Pete to say Happy Birthday and the text I received back asked who this was. I was angry and it really made me feel like I was taken advantage of; luckily Pete is off to the military so I won't have to see him again but really?Who is this? Sigh!
Well, after that, I was miserable. Started hanging out with friends from Sears, going to bars, just plan acting like a 20 something. Thats when I saw him. From across the bar, he was there, playing pool. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I am gonna call him Kevin. Me, being me, I watched him all night and before I left the bar, introduced myself and asked for his cell number. I also asked him how old he was, since Pete had left me with a bad taste in my mouth for younger guys. Turned out he was 34!! Wow! Did I hit the jackpot or what!? Or so I thought. Kevin was so adorable, I always liked short guys and ones that dressed somewhat preppy, and Kevin fit the bill! So, we texted a little back and forth and finally met up one night. We talked, I watched him play pool, and we went to Dunkin's later that night for coffee, our conversation was great! It was sweet. I found him to be so interesting as well as being in the same position as myself; dating younger people. I felt like we had a connection, and so I allowed a kiss goodbye. I went home thinking, wow, I really want to get to know this guy. Of course, little did I know, that was not his plan. I tried to text him for few days with little success. He barely answered and then when I tried to make suggestions to go out, he ignored me. Well, anyway a few days later he did text back, apologizing and we ended up meeting up again at the bar. It was an interesting evening, he sort of hung around me but sort of didn't. So, again, me being me, made sure I was were he was. I was not gonna let him get away that easy. I felt like I followed him a bit around the bar but then I decided to stop doing that. If he wanted to talk, I was there and he would just have to come up to me and guess what? HE DID! As I watched the baseball game, Kevin would come over and talk a little, take his pool shot then come back. I was sort of chuckling to myself because it was just so funny. By the end of the night, shots were in order, the first shot I had ever done! And then I could not drive home. Kevin and I walked back to his place. It was a quite walk and I honestly cannot remember if he invited me in or I invited myself..LOL..but we talked and stayed up till 6am! We talked about everything and shared things that you just don't share with anyone. I was pretty happy and Kevin at one point stated that he liked me with a chuckle to himself that made me feel like he hadn't really thought of me in that way before and was just realizing that maybe we could be good for each other. Well, after that night, I did want to get to know him better. My friends all told me I had to play some "dating" game so I did not text him. He didn't text me either. After a few days, I decided to be bold and go up to the bar to see him. I had remembered he would be working so I took full advantage of it. The bar was full, I played pool and watched Kevin work. I made sure to go over and talk with him as much as possible but I tried not to be a pest since he was working. By the end of the evening, I thought maybe I could wait for him to close up the bar and then get to spend some time with him. So I waited for an hour, outside the bar. I suddenly felt maybe I should go home, so I did and did not catch up to Kevin until a day or so later. The following night though, I did go back to see Kevin, I had dressed up a bit, hoping to catch his eye but as it turned out he walked in with a younger gal in tow, so I left immediately. Our next meeting was one in which, I sat next to him at the bar, having a beer, talking and coming to terms with the fact that Kevin was not into me, he wanted a younger gal. I was sad but stayed to hear him play at open mic. Needless to say, it was too much for me to handle. I am sure I made a complete fool of myself that night, drinking and having some weird, creepy guy follow me around. I called a friend to be rescued from the bar and she came down and got me. I cried on her shoulder, wondering what was wrong with me, don't I have a lot to offer?
Thing is, I do and he just didn't see it. That's not my fault and there is nothing I can do about it but move on. Which leads me to Brian......................amazing, a pilot actually grounded me!
To be continued..................
So to make a long story short, that night was the end of our friendship. Pete proceeded to ignore me afterward and until the end of the school year. Sad, not really sure what happened but they say people come into your life for a reason and they don't always stay in your life. I will say that 2 weeks later, I texted Pete to say Happy Birthday and the text I received back asked who this was. I was angry and it really made me feel like I was taken advantage of; luckily Pete is off to the military so I won't have to see him again but really?Who is this? Sigh!
Well, after that, I was miserable. Started hanging out with friends from Sears, going to bars, just plan acting like a 20 something. Thats when I saw him. From across the bar, he was there, playing pool. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I am gonna call him Kevin. Me, being me, I watched him all night and before I left the bar, introduced myself and asked for his cell number. I also asked him how old he was, since Pete had left me with a bad taste in my mouth for younger guys. Turned out he was 34!! Wow! Did I hit the jackpot or what!? Or so I thought. Kevin was so adorable, I always liked short guys and ones that dressed somewhat preppy, and Kevin fit the bill! So, we texted a little back and forth and finally met up one night. We talked, I watched him play pool, and we went to Dunkin's later that night for coffee, our conversation was great! It was sweet. I found him to be so interesting as well as being in the same position as myself; dating younger people. I felt like we had a connection, and so I allowed a kiss goodbye. I went home thinking, wow, I really want to get to know this guy. Of course, little did I know, that was not his plan. I tried to text him for few days with little success. He barely answered and then when I tried to make suggestions to go out, he ignored me. Well, anyway a few days later he did text back, apologizing and we ended up meeting up again at the bar. It was an interesting evening, he sort of hung around me but sort of didn't. So, again, me being me, made sure I was were he was. I was not gonna let him get away that easy. I felt like I followed him a bit around the bar but then I decided to stop doing that. If he wanted to talk, I was there and he would just have to come up to me and guess what? HE DID! As I watched the baseball game, Kevin would come over and talk a little, take his pool shot then come back. I was sort of chuckling to myself because it was just so funny. By the end of the night, shots were in order, the first shot I had ever done! And then I could not drive home. Kevin and I walked back to his place. It was a quite walk and I honestly cannot remember if he invited me in or I invited myself..LOL..but we talked and stayed up till 6am! We talked about everything and shared things that you just don't share with anyone. I was pretty happy and Kevin at one point stated that he liked me with a chuckle to himself that made me feel like he hadn't really thought of me in that way before and was just realizing that maybe we could be good for each other. Well, after that night, I did want to get to know him better. My friends all told me I had to play some "dating" game so I did not text him. He didn't text me either. After a few days, I decided to be bold and go up to the bar to see him. I had remembered he would be working so I took full advantage of it. The bar was full, I played pool and watched Kevin work. I made sure to go over and talk with him as much as possible but I tried not to be a pest since he was working. By the end of the evening, I thought maybe I could wait for him to close up the bar and then get to spend some time with him. So I waited for an hour, outside the bar. I suddenly felt maybe I should go home, so I did and did not catch up to Kevin until a day or so later. The following night though, I did go back to see Kevin, I had dressed up a bit, hoping to catch his eye but as it turned out he walked in with a younger gal in tow, so I left immediately. Our next meeting was one in which, I sat next to him at the bar, having a beer, talking and coming to terms with the fact that Kevin was not into me, he wanted a younger gal. I was sad but stayed to hear him play at open mic. Needless to say, it was too much for me to handle. I am sure I made a complete fool of myself that night, drinking and having some weird, creepy guy follow me around. I called a friend to be rescued from the bar and she came down and got me. I cried on her shoulder, wondering what was wrong with me, don't I have a lot to offer?
Thing is, I do and he just didn't see it. That's not my fault and there is nothing I can do about it but move on. Which leads me to Brian......................amazing, a pilot actually grounded me!
To be continued..................
Teenage Dream Syndrome
Well, here it is another Monday, rainy and blah. These past few months for me have been a bit crazy, fun and yet insightful. As I look back, reflecting on incidents, experiences and relationships, I find that finding myself was a bit harder than it seemed. I mean, Alex was the beginning of the storm; coming into my life at a time when I was most vulnerable and pushing me to go beyond the limits of my comfort zone. Alex was fun and interesting but young and immature; so was I. Beyond Alex was a number of young but increasingly more mature guys. Each time I learned more about who I was, what I wanted and what I had missed when I was in my twenty's. My first impression was wow, I missed a lot but then it got old fast.The other guys I had gone out with, looked at me just like that Katy Perry song; I was their "teenage dream". Never in my life did I think that would happen, but it did. I mean, high school sucked, I was no one's dream; I was a nerd and definitely not beautiful. It's actually kinda funny though, I look back a photos and say ouch, did I really look like that and look at photos of the gals I envied, remembering how much I wanted to be like them. Then I go to today's photos and am struck by the reversal of roles. Now I am the one guys run after and for the others, let's just say the years made their mark. Life is funny like that. Anyway, I am not here to knock anyone, just speak what is on my mind and try to make sense of life.
As enjoyable as the latest ride in life has been, I find myself sitting here, thinking about my life, a really nice guy that I have just started to date (Brian) and realize, I am 38 years old! Not 20 something! It's like that door has now closed, and a new chapter has begun. I found who I am and that's a woman who has a younger attitude about life but wants the stability and comfort of being an adult with a good job and great kids. Not that I cannot have fun, but the bar scene is over rated, younger guys are not ready for relationships and when you meet someone who tends to think a bit more like you AND is your own age you can settle back down a bit and enjoy life more deeply, getting more out of life than ever before.
So, hi ho hi ho, it's off to work I go. Thank you Brian for just being you; you have put a smile on my face. I look forward to our continued friendship/relationship (which ever direction it goes in).
As enjoyable as the latest ride in life has been, I find myself sitting here, thinking about my life, a really nice guy that I have just started to date (Brian) and realize, I am 38 years old! Not 20 something! It's like that door has now closed, and a new chapter has begun. I found who I am and that's a woman who has a younger attitude about life but wants the stability and comfort of being an adult with a good job and great kids. Not that I cannot have fun, but the bar scene is over rated, younger guys are not ready for relationships and when you meet someone who tends to think a bit more like you AND is your own age you can settle back down a bit and enjoy life more deeply, getting more out of life than ever before.
So, hi ho hi ho, it's off to work I go. Thank you Brian for just being you; you have put a smile on my face. I look forward to our continued friendship/relationship (which ever direction it goes in).
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Social Experiment 101 or what the hell ??
Listening to: Rosi Golan, Norah Jones, Joshua Radin and others
Feeling: Content and restless at the same time?
Ah, life! Interesting, isn't it? The things that we do and the way others react to us. All very interesting when you examine it closely. I keep being told not to over analyze things but I just can't help it; maybe that's what too much college does to someone..LOL? Who knows, but I enjoy thinking about things even when my thinking becomes a detriment to myself.
So much has happened these past few months; so many changes. I finally got divorced, after years of talking about it and not having a relationship with each other, bought my own place, began a great teaching position, and basically went out on my own. Talk about stressful and transition, holy cow! Add college to that and a second job, well I am completely clueless how I made it this far!
Anyway, so, what does this have to do with a social experiment? I don't know, I just liked the title :)
No, really I was thinking back to May when I was asked by a co-worker to go out for drinks and what happened from then to now. Like I said earlier, life is..umm..interesting! Ok, so here it is May, I had been speaking with this guy, we will call him Pete (since many of you know this guy). Pete and I worked together, he as a paraprofessional while waiting to go back into the Army and me of course as a teacher. We had actually been talking since back in December but I thought he was too young, so I never really gave him much thought beyond co-worker. We got along, same likes and dislikes, shared many laughs along the way and by May, I realized there may be more to this relationship than just co-workers. As always, Murphy's Tap Room on a Friday after school was what we called "professional staff development" or let's drink away our weekly stress! Pete asked me to go one Friday and I agreed since I had not been in awhile due to being self-absorbed with other things. Of course, when the time came, I did not go, I had other more pressing things to do like pick up my daughter from school and clean my house. Next thing I know, Pete is texting me later that evening wondering why I was not there. He was at the movies with his buddies but that was not important, he wanted to talk with me. So, we texted, laughed and eventually said goodnight. That week was great! We talked even more at school, laughed even harder and got into some pretty deep discussions about ex's and life. When Friday rolled around, I did go to Murphy's. We talked with everyone and talked to each other, next thing we know it's 8pm and everyone left with the except of us and one or two others. I decide to leave, he gives the puppy dog face and I offer to go home, change into jeans and come back. He liked that idea, so I did just that. 11pm, we are still at the bar, watching the hockey game, having beer and just talking about things. Since we had been discussing how much we both loved Guitar Hero and horror flicks, and he was a little buzzed and could not drive, we decide to go back to my house for a few hours to play video games and maybe watch a flix.
To be Continued......................................
Feeling: Content and restless at the same time?
Ah, life! Interesting, isn't it? The things that we do and the way others react to us. All very interesting when you examine it closely. I keep being told not to over analyze things but I just can't help it; maybe that's what too much college does to someone..LOL? Who knows, but I enjoy thinking about things even when my thinking becomes a detriment to myself.
So much has happened these past few months; so many changes. I finally got divorced, after years of talking about it and not having a relationship with each other, bought my own place, began a great teaching position, and basically went out on my own. Talk about stressful and transition, holy cow! Add college to that and a second job, well I am completely clueless how I made it this far!
Anyway, so, what does this have to do with a social experiment? I don't know, I just liked the title :)
No, really I was thinking back to May when I was asked by a co-worker to go out for drinks and what happened from then to now. Like I said earlier, life is..umm..interesting! Ok, so here it is May, I had been speaking with this guy, we will call him Pete (since many of you know this guy). Pete and I worked together, he as a paraprofessional while waiting to go back into the Army and me of course as a teacher. We had actually been talking since back in December but I thought he was too young, so I never really gave him much thought beyond co-worker. We got along, same likes and dislikes, shared many laughs along the way and by May, I realized there may be more to this relationship than just co-workers. As always, Murphy's Tap Room on a Friday after school was what we called "professional staff development" or let's drink away our weekly stress! Pete asked me to go one Friday and I agreed since I had not been in awhile due to being self-absorbed with other things. Of course, when the time came, I did not go, I had other more pressing things to do like pick up my daughter from school and clean my house. Next thing I know, Pete is texting me later that evening wondering why I was not there. He was at the movies with his buddies but that was not important, he wanted to talk with me. So, we texted, laughed and eventually said goodnight. That week was great! We talked even more at school, laughed even harder and got into some pretty deep discussions about ex's and life. When Friday rolled around, I did go to Murphy's. We talked with everyone and talked to each other, next thing we know it's 8pm and everyone left with the except of us and one or two others. I decide to leave, he gives the puppy dog face and I offer to go home, change into jeans and come back. He liked that idea, so I did just that. 11pm, we are still at the bar, watching the hockey game, having beer and just talking about things. Since we had been discussing how much we both loved Guitar Hero and horror flicks, and he was a little buzzed and could not drive, we decide to go back to my house for a few hours to play video games and maybe watch a flix.
To be Continued......................................
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Time to write....
SO, I was thinking this week, with all that has been happening maybe I should begin writing again. Writing is therapy for the mind and soul, right? I guess that depends on who you are speaking with. But for me, it is therapy, organization and balance all in one. As I begin to write and you, reader, begin to read, keep in mind that these are my experiences and thoughts, not meant to piss anyone off, insult anyone or whatever; just my thoughts and feelings at the time, which for those of you who know me well, know that can change on a dime..LOL! So, read away reader and I will write away. Hope you get something out of what I write since sharing and learning from each other is what life is about.
TTFN
Jenn
TTFN
Jenn
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)