Out of the wreckage and ashes begins a new flame :)

Well, all I can say is that I am a complete twit. How can someone so smart be just so dense? So, friends I am here to tell the tale of a crazy Saturday night that lead to the most wonderful Sunday ever! No gory details, but the summary.

Ok, so I had asked Brian to go to the Monarchs (Hockey) Game with me on Saturday. He did not answer me. So, 8 hours later I asked him to reply because if he was not going to go with me, I was not going to go. He got annoyed with me asking again and told me no he wasn't going. After the weekend before and how he had acted, and how he said no to the game, I took it as he wanted nothing to do with me. I, being emotional nymph, said good bye to him in the most gracious way I could. We had chosen to be friends after that.

So, anyway to make a long story short, we ended up accidentally being at the same place at the same time Saturday night. He did not stay but texted me and let's just say the conversation was filled with negative and jealous remarks. I told him we needed to talk face to face. So, Sunday here I am heading to Brian's, as I always have on a Sunday, with dinner for him. Sunday was the day I would always make him dinner and wait for him till he got home from work. He loved having dinner there for him :)

From there, all I will say is that we had gotten our signals got crossed. He thought I broke up with him, I thought he broke up with me, etc, etc. We still disagree on what the relationship should look like BUT we are once again together :) I am the happiest person on earth right now!

I saw a side of Brian Sunday night that I have not seen in a while. It was the sweet, caring Brian that I had been missing lately.

Now the trick is to keep the lines of communication open. Not so much for me, because as you can see I  tell all and say all, I keep nothing hidden but Brian, well he keeps things in, doesn't let others in so easily. He tends to keep it all to himself. If we can communicate better then I am pretty sure we will be together for quite a while :)

I am really, truly, madly, passionately, remarkably, deliciously in love with you, Brian! So, don't screw this up and I will try not to also!

Love to all,

Jenn

Autumn....

Walking through the parking lot, slowly and robotically towards my car, I try and clear my mind of the days’ work. Pulling the set of keys with all the silly store tags on it, out of my pocket, I can feel the cool autumn breeze across my face. Winter is on its way. A chill runs through my body, leaving me with goose bumps and causing me to move a little faster towards my car. 

Quickly opening the car door, tossing my school bag and lunch box across to the passenger seat, I slide into the driver’s seat and bring the engine to a roar. Looking up and out the front window, I notice the leaves dancing in the wind across the ground and up into the chilly air. How beautiful, I think to myself. They remind me of watching a snow globe in a way, floating around and around until eventually they come to stop in a pile at the bottom.

A work in progress...lol

To wake in your arms on this gray, gloomy morn

Would be the best life could have to offer

Yet, here I sit alone

A black screen staring me down and thinking

Thinking of what things could be like

If only you knew what I was thinking

If only we could give us a chance

But you don’t know that this is what I want to try

You might see it in my eyes if you look closely

Will we ever get that close to each other for you to see?

Sitting here totally confused......

Mood: Apathetic, Bewildered

Listening to: Melissa Ferrick

All I can say is WOW; just WOW. I am the kind of person who tries very hard not to be judgmental, I don’t hold grudges, I always look at the person and not their actions, and I look past things and find the good in everyone. When people tell me things, I don’t go back and use it against them because I am mad or call them all kinds of names and things; or at least I try really hard not to do that or be that kind of person. I try to be the kind of person who everyone can trust and feel comfortable around. I try hard to treat people with the type of kindness and respect I want to receive myself. I give 500% of myself to people and expect very little in return. 

For whatever reason, someone who I thought at one point I could trust with things and give much of myself too, decided to blindside me with judgments, and comments that were just plain mean and meant to cut to the core and hurt on purpose. I really am taken back by this. What has me floored is that this person never took the actual time to get to know me. What happened to me and in my life was of no interest to this person and yet suddenly they thought they knew me and made extremely inaccurate and inappropriate judgments. 

I have always been one to be able to quickly forgive and forget. Yet, I am unsure I can forgive this person. I know the comments were said in a drunken state but that makes no difference to me today. I am going to have to think on this some more.

The Pilot crashed the plane.....

Mood: Bouncy and Carefree

Listening to: Loreena McKennitt (My Favorite Celtic Singer)

So I now many of you, my friends are wondering what the HELL happened to you and Brian. I have sat here for days debating whether or not I was actually going to blog about it. On the one hand, he knew full well that I blogged and he could be the subject of one, I even gave him access. As well, it’s my blog, not meant to hurt anyone; these are just my thoughts and opinions; my therapy so to speak. Yet, I made the decision to just tell you all this:

Brian is a really great guy. If there is one person in the whole world I wish no ill on it would be him. Brian and I, although we clicked in so many ways, there was one way we did not click and that was in a way to keep a relationship going. We each had our own ideas of what a relationship was and what it meant and believe me, they were polar opposites! I tried hard to get him to compromise but he wouldn’t budge from his thinking. So, I could not do anymore. I think it was more that Brian wasn’t ready for anything other than a friend with benefits type relationship and you know, that only goes so far with me. For me, there has to be some emotional piece to it and with Brian, there was none it was flat. I am in NO way saying I want marriage; kill me first, but I am looking for a little bit of caring about me and what is going on in my world, not self-absorption in themselves and I am just called upon when he wants me. One day Brian will open up and he will meet a great gal and I wish him the best with that! For me, I had to move on. I knew this was coming down the pike back in the beginning of October but it was still hard to hear the final goodbye. I am able to move on quickly only because I was prepping for this over these last 8 weeks.

All in all what came out of this is I have a good friend, Brian and in his own words about us being friends from here on out -“Definitely”.

Happiness and The Foggy Duo :)

Mood: Deviant

Listening to: My cat’s purr

Action Item and NOTE to self: Be sure to do another shot with Buckley  :)

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Anna Nalick “Breathe”

You know, life is what you make of it; I always say that but it’s so true. At 38, soon to be 39 (haha) I am just starting to really live my life; I am finally finding things I like to do and am doing them. I am happy :)

I have found that in life you need to find something that makes you happy and just do it; I have chosen to follow a small group called The Foggy Duo; I am truly happy when in their presence listening to their music. These guys really are great, and not just musically. When people make you feel like family every time you see them, you know you’re in good company. I first met Sean and Joe while dating Brian. He loved these guys and kept telling me we were going to see them sometime. Me, never really having been at bars but having seen many musical groups over the course of my 38 years, I couldn’t wait to see them! I will NEVER forget the first time I met them. Sean came over, to say hi, Brian introduced me. In the back of my mind, I was taken aback by how gracious and friendly he was. Not to mention he was charming, but that’s a story I will never tell :) Then I got to meet Joe and the rest of the band Beyond the Pale. Again, the graciousness of these guys was out of this world. They cared about the people who were coming to see them and showed appreciation for that.  By the time they started playing, I was in awe! I had never really gotten up to dance in front of people before and here I was, dancing and no, I was not buzzed from beer :)

 

After that night, they were all I could think of and talk about. I wanted to see them again. Brian went to see them and did not take me (that’s another story) and I made it known that I wanted to see these guys again. Eventually, we did go to see them. At Murphy’s in Manchester, I had to drag Brian there but I got there. They were fantastic! I truly enjoyed them. 

One thing I should note, I am a NERD. So, when I listen to music, I am listening to the chords, the person’s voice who is singing, I am listening to each instrument individually and feeling the music and how it meshes with the rest of the band, I want to hear everything from the smallest intricacies to the band as a whole. As well, I do analyze the lyrics..LOL

So anyway, right after Halloween and going to see the band at Murphy’s, I had come to some realizations about what was happening with Brian (next blog) and decided to just go out and have fun. Date a few guys, nothing serious. Pity Party so to speak, I was feeling down. So, I decided to go see the Duo, which are just Sean and Joe. Let me tell you, I have never in my life heard a group as good as them! For two guys, the music and the sound, it is truly amazing.  You would sometimes think that there is a whole band behind them! Their voices harmonize so well, their guitar playing; impeccable! I was truly in awe of these guys and after one night I was hooked! Not to mention, again, their sheer appreciation for people who come to see them! They made me happy. I have gone to see them just about every time they have played since.

So, to this, I raise my glass in a toast, to a couple of really great guys who are exceptionally talented in many ways. To new friends, and good times; I URGE you all that live in New Hampshire and Massachusetts area to see them if you get the chance. I will definitely be there :)

Website: www.thefoggyduo.com 

Love to you all!

Jenn