It's my party and I'll cry if I want to....

Wow. Life can be so twisted sometimes. Just when you think fate is going in the direction you wish, it changes course again, making you sit back and wonder what the hell you are doing!

In an odd twist of fate this month, I somehow ended up in ICU after having had a very serious seizure and almost losing my life. It was nothing I did to myself really, it was just one of those things that happens unexpectedly and although there were signs, they were not caught fast enough. Scary waking up in a hospital and being asked if you know where you are and then everyone telling you what happened, meanwhile you have absolutely no recollection of anything!!! It causes one to reassess their life and how they live it; makes changes for the better.

My change is to live life to it's fullest, even more than before. I have come to realize that really, it is up to me to make me happy. I cannot wait for someone to make me happy by loving me, I need to be happy with just loving myself and I do but I always felt like it was not enough. I now see the light. True love will find me and follow once I stop looking and just love me only.

So, on this Valentines Day, my 39th birthday; I love me. I am treating me to things, good coffee and a donut for breakfast, maybe get my nails done, buy myself something sweet and sexy to wear for myself and myself ONLY! Then spend the evening with my children and their friends and girl/boyfriends who are like my own children having dinner and really having some laughs. Then trying to rest up tomorrow so that I can get my butt back to work!!

To my friends, I so love you all so much! Each and everyone of you teach me so much everyday!!

Random Ramblings of the Day

Mood: Content, Chipper, and definitely hopeful!

Geesh, so much happens on a daily basis, I could be here all day writing! And as you can probably tell, I do love to write. I was thinking the other day, you know some people are very private, keep everything to themselves while others, like me, are a complete open book. My theory on me is that I write to help balance myself; writing down my thoughts many times allows me to think beyond the now and quickly move past thoughts and feelings that could be detrimental. Also, without people like me who share so much about themselves, you, my reader, would not have examples to relate to that help you better yourself and learn. Is it a risk I take, putting my life out there? Absolutely, but what is life without risk? Playing safe gets you nowhere and fast. Here is a favorite quote of mine:

"Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down."

— Ray Bradbury 

 Here is another:

 “The person, who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.” Leo F. Buscaglia

So, I take the risk. Put my life out there for you to read. 

Now, let's get back to Brian, quickly. We are friends. How far that actually goes is yet to be seen. His choice. What kills me is being led on for a few weeks but I guess he was still sorting out his feelings, I will give him that. As I have stated in the past, under no circumstance do ever wish Brian any ill. No matter how mad I am at him; my anger is directed to actions not the person; actions of myself as well as his.  

Now, moving on....

So, I recently picked up a tutoring gig. I am actually very excited! I get to tutor a high school kid in Spanish (FINALLY I get to use my language skills!). 8 years of Spanish classes, I hope I can tutor him..LOL - RANDOM THOUGHT - La Bamba....as that was played last night; I wondered how many in the crowd actually knew the correct Spanish words and their meaning! I am such a NERD!

Another thing I did was I started to work at the high school sports games; its extra money and gets me out of the house. So, I keep the score book at Wrestling matches and will be doing different things at the school basketball games! I always love being with the kids at school, it’s like home to me, so I am happy.

Starting going back to the gym on a regular basis again; I had stopped going due to just being exhausted for the first two months of school. A student I had was just very difficult; multiple restraints on a daily basis that required 4 people to hold him. I was usually tired and hurting, so I opted to skip the gym. Who needs the gym when you’re getting a workout in another way, right?? Still happens now, like last week, running 4 flights of steps 6 or 7 times in a day but it is not an everyday occurrence that wipes me out. I think I will go back to tanning too. Doctor states it is good for me, very vitamin D deficient, so why not!

Lots going on with the kids and custody and child support but I can’t really talk about it until after court.

So, let’s discuss my hopeful feeling :)

After spending time thinking and reflecting on things, I have found that my initial thoughts, after meeting a particular person months ago, should have been followed up on. I did not originally because as I am sure you can guess, I am pretty loyal to a person (if 17 years in an abusive marriage doesn’t show loyalty, I don’t know what does!). If I am dating someone, after the initial first two or three dates, and I know that I like the person, I do not date anyone else. I have done pity dates, you know when you break up with a person and just need to go out with someone to make you feel better but I don’t do that often. And me being me, always feels so awful and guilty about doing it :(  Anyway, back to my original thought. So there is this guy, and I knew I wanted to get to know him, even if it was just friends. He is talented in many ways, humble and sweet. He has the perfect mix of being a gentleman but showing feelings at the same time. He is not hard to read and his eyes say a lot. Did you ever meet someone who you could stare into their eyes for a long time and just feel comfortable, almost like you can read their mind? That’s this guy. But unfortunately for you, my reader, I will not divulge much more information. I have decided that I am going to do this one the right way. I will not be blogging specifics and blow by blows. I will not rush things but let them take its course. I want to get to know this person, all about him, enough so that no matter what, he will stay a friend even if that’s all this is! I RESPECT this person way too much and what’s funny is I think that’s why it is different. There is respect; something that was not there with others, even Brian. No matter how happy I was with Brian, it was all fun and in all honesty this was the relationship built upon sex but no real respect on either of our parts. So, at this time, you may see me blog poems and stories, that may relay feelings and thoughts but it will be very vague. Enough so that the particular guy, if he reads my blogs will know but no one else will. So with this, I ask that you just wish me luck on playing my cards the right way this time. I am hopeful to a new year with a great guy.

Well, off to bake xmas cookies and help the kids with their school projects. Happy reading and thanks to all of you who support me each day! I love you all!

Jenn

 

Saddness

As I sit here thinking of you,

Wondering if you are thinking of me too.

I know that you are not;

I know that you are too self-absorbed to care.

I send you a message, letting you know I am here,

All you can respond with is a smiley.

No words, no real reply,

Always the same, never changes.

Why do I sit here and think of you,

When you could care less about thinking of me.

When you cannot even take the time to say “Hi, How are you today?”

When answering a message I send you is such a chore.

Yet, in person, you play it cool,

Nothing is wrong.

You say I am crazy to think that you don’t care.

But am I?

Am I being played?

Sad conclusion is most likely yes,

But my heart keeps me here,

Thinking of you,

No matter what.

Out of the wreckage and ashes begins a new flame :)

Well, all I can say is that I am a complete twit. How can someone so smart be just so dense? So, friends I am here to tell the tale of a crazy Saturday night that lead to the most wonderful Sunday ever! No gory details, but the summary.

Ok, so I had asked Brian to go to the Monarchs (Hockey) Game with me on Saturday. He did not answer me. So, 8 hours later I asked him to reply because if he was not going to go with me, I was not going to go. He got annoyed with me asking again and told me no he wasn't going. After the weekend before and how he had acted, and how he said no to the game, I took it as he wanted nothing to do with me. I, being emotional nymph, said good bye to him in the most gracious way I could. We had chosen to be friends after that.

So, anyway to make a long story short, we ended up accidentally being at the same place at the same time Saturday night. He did not stay but texted me and let's just say the conversation was filled with negative and jealous remarks. I told him we needed to talk face to face. So, Sunday here I am heading to Brian's, as I always have on a Sunday, with dinner for him. Sunday was the day I would always make him dinner and wait for him till he got home from work. He loved having dinner there for him :)

From there, all I will say is that we had gotten our signals got crossed. He thought I broke up with him, I thought he broke up with me, etc, etc. We still disagree on what the relationship should look like BUT we are once again together :) I am the happiest person on earth right now!

I saw a side of Brian Sunday night that I have not seen in a while. It was the sweet, caring Brian that I had been missing lately.

Now the trick is to keep the lines of communication open. Not so much for me, because as you can see I  tell all and say all, I keep nothing hidden but Brian, well he keeps things in, doesn't let others in so easily. He tends to keep it all to himself. If we can communicate better then I am pretty sure we will be together for quite a while :)

I am really, truly, madly, passionately, remarkably, deliciously in love with you, Brian! So, don't screw this up and I will try not to also!

Love to all,

Jenn

Autumn....

Walking through the parking lot, slowly and robotically towards my car, I try and clear my mind of the days’ work. Pulling the set of keys with all the silly store tags on it, out of my pocket, I can feel the cool autumn breeze across my face. Winter is on its way. A chill runs through my body, leaving me with goose bumps and causing me to move a little faster towards my car. 

Quickly opening the car door, tossing my school bag and lunch box across to the passenger seat, I slide into the driver’s seat and bring the engine to a roar. Looking up and out the front window, I notice the leaves dancing in the wind across the ground and up into the chilly air. How beautiful, I think to myself. They remind me of watching a snow globe in a way, floating around and around until eventually they come to stop in a pile at the bottom.

A work in progress...lol

To wake in your arms on this gray, gloomy morn

Would be the best life could have to offer

Yet, here I sit alone

A black screen staring me down and thinking

Thinking of what things could be like

If only you knew what I was thinking

If only we could give us a chance

But you don’t know that this is what I want to try

You might see it in my eyes if you look closely

Will we ever get that close to each other for you to see?

Sitting here totally confused......

Mood: Apathetic, Bewildered

Listening to: Melissa Ferrick

All I can say is WOW; just WOW. I am the kind of person who tries very hard not to be judgmental, I don’t hold grudges, I always look at the person and not their actions, and I look past things and find the good in everyone. When people tell me things, I don’t go back and use it against them because I am mad or call them all kinds of names and things; or at least I try really hard not to do that or be that kind of person. I try to be the kind of person who everyone can trust and feel comfortable around. I try hard to treat people with the type of kindness and respect I want to receive myself. I give 500% of myself to people and expect very little in return. 

For whatever reason, someone who I thought at one point I could trust with things and give much of myself too, decided to blindside me with judgments, and comments that were just plain mean and meant to cut to the core and hurt on purpose. I really am taken back by this. What has me floored is that this person never took the actual time to get to know me. What happened to me and in my life was of no interest to this person and yet suddenly they thought they knew me and made extremely inaccurate and inappropriate judgments. 

I have always been one to be able to quickly forgive and forget. Yet, I am unsure I can forgive this person. I know the comments were said in a drunken state but that makes no difference to me today. I am going to have to think on this some more.